At the end of the bible, you will find the last book. For some odd reason, most of the world calls this book, “Revelations.” The interesting thing about that is that this book is actually called, Revelation. Meaning, that this whole book is in reality only one revelation. It is not many. Now, if you read it, you might say that there are a lot of “revelations” in the book. But, when you consider that all of the events happen in one context, then you can see why it is only singular. After all, the translation of the word just means, “the unveiling.”
This week, I have already had a huge revelation in my life. When you find out that your mind does not work like most, you start to be aware of the mistakes you have been making. In my first therapist session, the counselor gave me a homework assignment to contemplate. You see, most of my problems have revolved around two concepts, being the best, and discipline. I have been obsessed by it. I had to be the best at everything I did, which made me super competitive and super annoying. But what was even worse was that I wanted to bring everyone up to the same level as me. It was almost like I was trying to save the world. I spent more time trying to solve everyone else’s problems instead of seeing the huge one that I had.
The concept of “everything in it’s right place,” has been plaguing me for life. But, that was only out in the open for all to see. If you looked at my closet or my file organization on my computer, you would see the opposite. You would see chaos. My closet is a mess of clothes, books and other junk piled up on each other and God help me if I need to find a photo I took two years ago. So my counselor prompted me to answer this question. What value would you be if you did nothing?
It is safe to say that she was asking me to sit on the couch and watch the world go by. I am pretty sure she was asking me, what do you think your self worth would be if you did not go out of your way to try and solve everyone’s problems. This hit me like the first time I heard Purple Rain. That one question had me examining my entire thought process. The only question to follow is how do I put this into practice?
Right now, I am working at Good Life Cafe and in all honesty it has been therapeutic. The interaction with people has not only helped me work on my sales techniques, it has also given me a break from staring at a screen all day. Last weekend, before my therapist appointment, I did my first double on Saturday. I looked at my steps counter on my phone and I walked 11.7 miles over the course of 12 hours in a 2000 square foot space. That is a lot. And over this time period, I made $170. I thought that was great. After my appointment on Wednesday, I realized a few things, so I set out to change them. The Friday and Saturday after that I worked two back to back 12 hour shifts. Over the course of these shifts, I only walked an average of 7.1 miles, but I made $200 a shift. How did that happen? What I found out about myself was that I was obsessed with helping the other servers keep their stations clear of dishes, making sure their customers had their food and water and doing my best to save the world.
That second weekend I chose to focus on my sections and help the others when I could. Doing this, allowed me to take better care of me and in return I made more money. My friend Lee equated it to the stewardess on a plane telling you what to do in the event of an emergency. First, put your air mask on, and then help others. Because if you don’t, you run the risk of both of you suffocating. And it is true, you really cannot help anyone if you, yourself, are broken inside.
Her question asks what my value is if I do nothing. If I choose to put myself and own well-being first, am I being selfish, or am I doing what needs to be done before everything else. And what is value or self worth? Does my value go up when I help others or does it go down if do not? And on top of that, can I save the world? I mean isn’t that the job that Jesus has? He was the best, and does everything he can to bring everyone to his level. If I am doing that, what would I need him for? And, do I really think that I can get that job, much less does he want to give it up to me. My guess is no.
So, the answer to the question she asked me, is this. Well…I think it is this. I will have to wait until the next session to see if I am right. But, I think the answer is, my value or self worth if I do nothing, will still be the same. My value as a person is not determined by whether or not I save the world. And, I do not have to be the best to be accepted or loved, because I already am. My guess is that right now, the monster inside of me is starting to wonder if he will ever get fed again.