How To Lose Love In The Dance

I remember the first time I saw her. The vision of her is permanently tattooed into the recesses of my mind. A free spirit, floating through life like a feather drifting above a crowd. The way she moved captured my gaze and I knew that she was my future. She was the “one.” Is that cliche to say? I would be willing to say that if you turned on the television and watched it all day, you would see at least a dozen TV shows that had some bleeding heart crying over the “one that got away,” or “she’s the one that stole my heart.” Hollywood has done such a remarkable job turning our lives into drama. But, nonetheless, there she was, and I knew it. I wanted to dance with her for the rest of my life.

So, I approached her. Keep in mind, that I have never been a dancer. I have never studied the art of sharing movements in the “round.” In fact, I don’t know that I have that much rhythm. But, like a fool trying to be something that he is not, I asked her to dance with me. Maybe it was a false sense of confidence, or an unseen drive from nature, I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I stepped out of my league and attempted this dance.

Reluctantly, she agreed. She had danced with others before, and truth be told, they had left her with scars. The kind of scars that make the feet battered and bruised. So much, that she was contemplating never dancing again. And as I placed my arms around her to start this ritual, I noticed that I began to move with her. We moved together in such a way that both of us were surprised. Neither one of us could believe how perfectly we fit together, or how effortlessly the dance between us became. It was beautiful.

She began to trust me with her movements. So much that I felt as if I was truly helping her to be a better dancer. With every lift and dip, I began to feel more confident. I began to feel like I was in control.

It was like a switch went off in me. I knew that I had to be more than just her dance partner. I had to be her protector, her security, her savior. She began to feel overwhelmed by my movements, and our dance started to fail.

It is so hard to explain. Our dance started to spin out of control. My incessant need for control of the dance began to drive her mad. She was not enjoying our dance anymore, but she continued to stay in the moment with me out of the love that we had been building since the music began. And as she spun faster and faster on the floor, I did everything I could to keep her in control. I thought I was holding on loosely, but in truth, I was holding her down. So much that she could not breathe.

Despite the fact that she was spinning out of control, I still looked at her in amazement. I was oblivious to the fact that I was the reason she was not in control. My obsession with the responsibility of keeping this dance in rhythm was causing the dance to become out of step. She pleaded with me to stop being the way I was, but I did not here her. I had seen so many dancers before, and I thought that was the way you danced. I did not realize that there was more than one way to dance. And as she pleaded, her words fell on deaf ears. 

My pride would not hear it. No! This is the way we dance. This is the way the world tells us that we should dance. Your way is not safe. Your way of dance has no responsibility to the future. It is based on unconditional love. My way of dance is based on being accountable to the music. Instead of listening to her cries of change, I continued to manipulate the way she moved.

She was so beautiful, and I thought that I was helping her to be a better dancer. All the while, I could not see that she was unhappy. She threatened to leave our dance together, and I was shook. Her sadness had affected us in a way that I felt I should make a grand gesture of promising to stop holding on so tight.

I thought this would solve the problems that we were having, but instead, it got worse. Anyone can put on a show for others, for a certain amount of time, but if you do not address the issue that lies underneath, those misaligned dance steps will always find their way back into your dance. As time would reveal, mine surely did. 

Our dance began to grow dark, and my selfish ways had taken our union to a place that I never intended it to go. It was like the color had been ripped from our lives. The romance and trust that we had built, had revealed themselves to be delusional. I had not built a trusting love with her. Instead, I had made her take steps that she never intended on taking. She fell out of rhythm with me and stepped off of the dance floor.

The sadness in my heart has now become unbearable. I cannot sleep or eat properly. I find myself bound by the chains of my own doing. The false sense of humility as a man, has been replaced by the true understanding that I was wrong. I walk these streets in a mindless stupor, constantly hounded by the mistakes that I made.

I feel naked to the world. Lost, without hope and unsure if I will ever be able to get back the only one I ever wanted to dance with. I try to dance on my own, but there is nothing. The music has long been silent and the rhythm cannot be found. I am alone again. And as I search for her in this world, I cry out to my God, “please heal my love!” “Save me from myself!” “Let me learn to love unconditionally like she did, and keep me from ever making this mistake again.”

I finally find myself standing in the darkness, unsure of the world around me. Society told me that this was how a man is supposed to dance. He is supposed to take the lead, and be stern and strong in his steps. But, society is wrong. Society only wants you to do what it wants you to do. It doesn’t have the answers. It only has misery and it wants your company. I am alone in darkness.

These bonds that I have created for myself, have kept me tied down for so long now. My heart still beats madly for her and I still can remember every step that I took with her. I also can remember every step that I made her take. If I could only take those steps back, I could just…

But you can’t take those steps back, can you? You made them and they might always be etched into her mind. Is it possible to change the way you dance? Is it possible to become the dancer that believes in unconditional love? Or will I always be the one that is bound by the responsibility of the music. I want to believe that I can change. I want to believe that I can correct this, so that I can win back my partner, my lover and my friend. Only God knows whether this is capable or not. Until He answers that question, I feel as if I am bound by my mistakes.

Father in Heaven, please free me.